Late Night Snark: Arrivederci, February Edition
“Prosecutors in New York will soon have Trump’s ‘perfect’ tax returns. Life is funny, isn’t it? One day you’re building walls and the next day they’re closing in on you.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“For years, the former president has been desperate to prevent prosecutors from getting their hands on any documents that might get him in legal trouble. But the high court ruled that he has to hand over his financial history to the Manhattan D.A., who’s been conducting a criminal investigation that could lead to conspiracy fraud charges, which are [Class] B felonies. Given the potential charges, the former president could be sent to jail if convicted. I can’t wait to see it all play out on the new Netflix series, Orange is the New Orange.” —Stephen Colbert
“According to a new poll, Congress has a 35 percent approval rating, which is its highest approval rating in 12 years. Even more impressive, if you remove Ted Cruz it’s 97 percent.” —Seth Meyers
“Ted Cruz said his decision to go on a family vacation to Cancun during Texas’s weather emergency was obviously a mistake. Cruz initially released a statement saying he only went because his daughters made him go. And if you think it’s bad to throw his daughters under the bus, Cruz would like you to know that that statement was his wife’s idea.” —Colin Jost, SNL
“We haven’t had a raise in the federal minimum wage in over ten years, which is the longest period in history without an increase. It’s insane that America updates its Spider-Men more frequently than the minimum wage.” —Samantha Bee
“Republicans saw the record number of people exercising their right to vote [in 2020] and said, ‘Yo, that shit can not happen again.’ Hey, I get it—Republicans have to make it harder to vote so they have a better chance of winning elections. The only other option for them is to change their policies to appeal to a majority of voters. But come on, that’s way too hard.” —Trevor Noah
In honor of Washington’s Birthday, I’m getting wooden Invisaligns. —Conan O’Brien
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 26, 2021
Note: Don’t forget that you can follow me on twitter at @BillinPortland. (I know that’s a really cryptic handle, but think of it this way: it’s like “Bill in Portland Maine” but shorter.) Even better, according to people who spend a few moments reading what I post over there, you can un-follow me on twitter at @BillinPortland.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til the start of Women’s History Month: 3
This week’s vaccine supply to the states, up by 1 million doses from the previous week according to the White House: 14.5 million doses
Doses expected to be produced by Pfizer, Moderna and Johnson & Johnson next month, equaling roughly half of all U.S. adults: 130 million
Estimated percent of Americans who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer, according to a new Gallup report, up from 3.5 percent in 2012: 5.6%
Percent of Generation Z—those 18 to 23 in 2020—who consider themselves something other than heterosexual (compared to just 2 percent of Americans 56 and older): 15.6%
Drop in U.S. sales of lobster to international markets last year: -22%
Weight a single hair can support, according to the internet: 3 ounces
Puppy Pic of the Day: Happy weekend…
CHEERS to declaring victory and going home. File this under “Cleaning Up Trump’s Messes, Part I’ve Lost Count.” Congratulations, Portland (Oregon). Seattle, and New York City. You’re free to go…
President Joe Biden revoked several of his predecessor’s presidential actions on Wednesday, including a controversial memo signed by former President Donald Trump last year designating three Democratic cities as “anarchist jurisdictions” unworthy of federal funding.
Trump said in his memo that federal funding to New York, Seattle and Portland—all of which are run by Democratic mayors—should be slashed to the maximum extent because his “administration will not allow federal tax dollars to fund cities that allow themselves to deteriorate into lawless zones.”
But we’ve still got our eye on you. So no fooling around or it’s solar-powered ankle tethers for everyone.
CHEERS to today’s edition of B’Bye, Lou. Via CBS News:
President Biden announced his three nominees to join the U.S. Postal Service Board of Governors on Wednesday, the first step for the board to potentially oust controversial Postmaster General Louis DeJoy. … If confirmed by the Senate, Democrats would have a majority on the board, which currently has four Republicans and two Democrats.
This has been today’s edition of B’Bye, Lou.
CHEERS to green-lighting the gals. On February 27, 1922, the all-male U.S. Supreme Court unanimously upheld the19th Amendment that gave women the vote. Shortly after, their wives released them from their chokeholds.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
JEERS to the 2/26 that was our 9/11 before 9/11 was our 9/11. On February 26, 1993, a bomb went off inside a parking garage under the World Trade Center in New York. Six people died and over a thousand were injured. It was a real test for newly-minted President Bill Clinton who, as I recall, caught the evildoers and threw ’em in jail. And we all lived happily ever after. Right? (I’ve been pretty busy the last 28 years…)
CHEERS to Self-evident Truths—Part 297 in our 33,974-part series. There’s simply no argument on this one: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore. And this weekend you’re really gonna get an eyeful. Yes, it’s a rare “Apocalyptic Jazz-Hands Snow Moon” moon, and we hope you’re prepared to be dazzled:
February’s full Snow Moon reaches peak illumination at 3:19 A.M. EST on Saturday, February 27. For the best view of this Moon, look for it on the night of Friday, February 26; it will drift above the horizon in the east around sunset and reach its highest point in the sky around midnight.
The explanation behind February’s full Moon name is a fairly straightforward one: it’s known as the Snow Moon due to the typically heavy snowfall that occurs in February. On average, February is the United States’ snowiest month, according to data from the National Weather Service. In the 1760s, Captain Jonathan Carver, who had visited with the Naudowessie (Dakota), wrote that the name used for this period was the Snow Moon, “because more snow commonly falls during this month than any other in the winter.”
Usual full-moon drill: if skies are clear, get yer butt out in the back yard, look up, think of Neil Armstrong, and give him a wink. (Or, if you’re a werewolf, an “Arooooooooo!!!”)
CHEERS to home vegetation. A quick roundup of your leap weekend entertainment on the tube. As usual, we’ll be starting off with MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow and imminent-birthday boy Chris Hayes (Sunday) playing in the background as we splash here in the kiddie pool. On HBO’s Real Time at 10, Bill Maher talks with Sen. Jon Tester (D-MT), Ezra Klein, and Megyn “Santa just is white” Kelly. Then at 11, Graham Norton talks with Rosamund Pike and Gordon Ramsay on BBC America.
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here and the NBA schedule is here. Nick Jonas hosts SNL with musical guest—[checks notes]—Nick Jonas. On 60 Minutes: Pulitzer Prize winner (The Underground Railroad and The Nickel Boys) Colson Whitehead on “the existential terror of being descended from slaves,” and a report on the Covid-19 vaccine rollout. Bart becomes a caddy on The Simpsons, and Stewie gets plastic surgery on Family Guy. And thank the gods, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler return to host the Golden Globes (more on those below) Sunday night at 8 on NBC. And John Oliver does that John Oliver thing he does to wrap up the weekend on a new edition of HBO’s Last Week Tonight at 11.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Dreamy Justin Trudeau, Hunk of the North. (Isn’t it nice that Canada’s talking to us again?)
This Week: Doc Fauci; Sens. Mazie Hirono (D-HI) and Rob Portman (Cult-OH).
Face the Nation: Govs. Andy Beshear (D-KY) and Kristi Noem (Cult-SD); Doc Fauci; Cult Party chairwoman Mitt Romney’s Niece; Rep. Adam Kinzinger (R-IL).
CNN’s State of the Union: Sens. Chris Coons (D-DE) and Bill Cassidy (Cult-LA); Rep. Karen Bass (D-FL); Doc Fauci.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sens. Mark Warner (D-VA) and Rick Scott (Cult-FL);
Ten years ago in C&J: February 26, 2011
JEERS to stepping from the frying pan into the fire. My new teabag-munching governor hasn’t tried to destroy our public unions…yet. But Republican Paul LePage sure seems hellbent on destroying his relationship with minorities. After snubbing the NAACP last month during Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, he informed them that they could “kiss my butt.” Then he promised to patch things up with them. Hasn’t happened yet. And when asked why, LePage said: “Quite frankly, the way I look at it is it’s not my monkey, it’s their monkey.” Yeah…he played the monkey card. If he keeps this up, his popularity among Maine’s African-Americans could plunge by half. From two to one.
And just one more…
CHEERS to the Night Of A Hundred Drunken Celebrities. The Golden Globes will be handed out Sunday. They tend to be a more raucous and goofy affair than the Oscars, mainly because the open bar starts ladling out the drinks at 8am. And even if you can’t stand awards shows, it’ll be worth peeking in to watch Tina Fey and Amy Poehler co-hosting again. You can peruse the nominations here. As usual, I haven’t seen many of the movies yet, but that’s never stopped me from making dangerously uninformed predictions before. (Like, Jim Webb will definitely be the Democratic nominee in 2016 and beat Trump in an 80-20 landslide.) So here goes:
Picture (drama): Nomadland
Picture (musical or comedy): Hamilton
Director: Chloe Zhao for Nomadland
Actress (drama): Frances McDormand for Nomadland
Actress (comedy): Maria Bakalova for Borat 2
Actor (drama): Chadwick Bosemen posthumously for Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom
Actor (comedy): Dev Patel for The Personal History of David Copperfield
Supporting Actor: Sacha Baron Cohen for The Trial of the Chicago 7
Supporting Actress: Glenn Close for Hillbilly Elegy
TV Motion Picture: The Queen’s Gambit
All the TV comedy acting awards: Schitt’s Creek
The Golden Globes are put on by the Foreign Press Association. Or as the red-hatted cultists call it: one more damn thing we should build a wall around.
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?